Fairy God-Auntie

I've been neglecting this blog lately because, I'm pleased to report, I've been living the heck out of life.

Right now I'm sitting in the Burbank airport after a week-long visit to Aunt Jane. It was a top-notch vacation: beach time, lots of LA tourist stuff, visiting Great Aunt Mabel, lots of driving around with the top down, ice cream, shopping, vegging on the couch, hotel therapy, my first experience of room service ever (it was as decadent as I imagined), the wild animal park in San Diego, Universal Studios.

And as an added bonus, I'm also coming back with my regular life in better shape than when I left. For one, I'm much better dressed, thanks to unabashed spoiling on AJ's part; I've also had lunch with a woman who works in the field I'm considering; had heart-to-hearts; been turned on to a new unresolved sexual tension TV character relationship to become obsessed with; have two high-quality free gift lip sticks and a lip gloss; learned many important tricks to employ on my mac; and have been proffered a place to host my future celebrant web site for free.

As if all of this wasn't enough: Before I left for California I called AJ for advice about a hairy problem related to last summer's illness/insurance debacle as well as me being a frightened disorganized lunatic at the time. She just told me to bring the whole sickening pile of files with me and we'd sort it out together.

Far beyond the call of duty, she just up and made the whole problem go away. I get choked up typing about it. I feel like the word gratitude is totally insufficient to express what I feel.

The Twin and I have talked about this feeling, like for example, at Christmas when you get too many really great presents and you just think "I can't! It's too much! I'm not worthy!" - the feeling of gratitude being almost too much to tolerate.

I think the Twin and I decided that the best way to deal with it is just to be grateful and strive to make your actions consistent with someone who is worthy of that scale of generosity...and also resolve to pay it forward at the earliest opportunity. In AJ's case it's long been established that the older and more decrepit she becomes, the more loyal and devoted I will become, in turn. I can only hope for an opportunity to be a fairy god-niece in turn.

As AJ said when I tried to express some of these thoughts to her, she said "We're family. It's what we do."

Probably most of the world's problems are caused by the fact that not everyone has a family like mine.

To conclude, I offer this excerpt from the lyrics of "If You're Going Through Hell, keep on Going" by Rodney Adkins:

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet

The Life I Imagine

Every now and again, usually by accident, I have a day in the life of the kind of life I would like to have every day. Today was one such:

-First, on a rather momentous note, Spangles and I signed our lease!!! We are now contractually obligated to move into our beautiful new place come July!

-I made good headway on some work on a beautiful day while sitting in a coffee shop watching the world go by. It's always nice to feel like an effective human being in a pleasant location.

-The Twin called me and we caught up a little, which was lovely (although some lily-livered cur stole her bike wheel today)

-I poked around in the thrift store and purchased a couple celebratory knickknacks for cheap.

-Spangles and I went and got tofu hoagies and then ate them in Clark Park, when we randomly ran into two of my favorite people, let's call them Smiley and Squeak.

-Smiley, in addition to being an all-round good guy, also had just the info I needed relating to a project I've been whimsying about in my head for a while. A most fortuitous coincidence.

-We sat there and chatted and joked throughout the golden hours, watching the dogs jump and the kids play soccer and the tree leaves flutter. What a day.

The unexpected gift of a lovely day. To whom it may concern: thank you!

Dissapointment, Malaise, and Pulling Myself Out of It (Again)

I was in an inexplicable slump the past few days. It's harder to write here (or at all) when I'm feeling down. My spiritual advisor Leslie suggested the word inertia. All I wanted to do is get under the covers and watch many back to back episodes of Intervention on the internet.

It might've had to do with the news that Spangles and I didn't get the apartment we applied for. Of course, I dealt with it maturely and moved on quickly, except maybe I didn't, and what was inexplicable was actually my disappointment sneaking to the surface anyway. As much as I wanted to roll with the punches, the news touched a tender spot for me: the fear that even if you work and plan for a desirable life/future, forces beyond your control will eventually use your hopes and dreams as a port-a-potty. So why even try? (Thus, the mouldering dishes in the sink, the tsunami of clothes strewn carelessly about the apartment, the half-hearted and not very successful attempts at, you know, doing anything.)

I know I have to fight this inclination. I have to talk myself out of it, say "Listen, disappointments come but great apartments are plentiful and the great life you imagined in this one didn't come from the apartment, it came from you." I'm also sort of toying with the belief that life is unfurling according to a higher logic that I can't necessarily understand from my vantage point but ultimately makes things work out OK. It's a comforting thought, but I really don't know if I believe it or not.

When I feel myself get down I also get panicky, because I'm like "oh no happinessFAIL" and I have a really hard time tolerating it and reminding myself of what I really do know, that I won't be stuck there forever. That's the problem, my panic makes my mind slow and I can't remember to do the things I know to do.

Finally I did, though. I called The Twin, and she told me to just accomplish one productive thing, because that usually makes you feel in control of the universe again. I walked my rent check over and it did in fact make me feel like at least a minimally effective human being. I took a shower. Then Spangles called and said F-Money and friends were grilling, and you know I was in a bad place because I didn't even really feel like going. The Twin convinced me, however, to put on civilian clothes and a little makeup and get out there anyway. Fake it till you make it, as they say.

And then I remembered my cache of inspirational books, and grabbed one to read on the trolley. I opened it up to a page where they author was basically like "Hey, you think nobody ever has bad days, gets scattered, makes mistakes? You think everyone else has it all together? 'Cause they don't. We're all perfectly imperfect, all the time." And I did that old familiar inner forehead slap and some of the pressure eased.

And then at F-Money's I drank sun tea and talked of other things, and by the time dark had fallen and the tiki torches were lit and we had supped and drank wine, the panic had slipped away completely.

And a lovely coincidence also helped me. Several months ago, as I was crawling out of the rubble of my bout with colitis and hopelessness, I bought myself a pretty little ring as a reminder that I am responsible for my own happiness. I had lost track of it for several weeks, but as I was dumping out a purse to get ready to go, it fell right out onto the floor like a gift.

I picked it up and put it on my finger, a reminder, a message I'd left for myself from a more enlightened time.

Treatise on Happyish

Here is an eloquent summing up of the nature of happyish by a brilliant teacher and soul with whom I also happen to share genetic material:

And the other thing that helps me keep my chin up at times like this is the concept of "happy-ish," coined by a very brilliant soul-searcher/philosopher I know.(Ed. note: Aw shucks.) The idea is that, okay, maybe there's a pothole or a rough patch, maybe sometimes you're sucking in exhaust on the Jersey Turnpike of life... but overall, all things considered is the trend of your life looking good? Do you like where you are and where you are going? Are you headed vaguely in the right direction? Are there little things each day that make you smile, and bigger things to look forward to on the horizon? Maybe today you feel irked or unhappy, but in general, in life, are you happyish?

And here is another inspirational excerpt from her oeuvre:

Maybe it ain't so pretty at times, but a certain level of craziness is also part of my me-ness. It makes me think of of the hilarious, whimsical series Walter the Farting Dog. Walter's greatest weakness - his potent farts - also turn out to be his greatest strength. Somehow, in bizarre and unorthodox ways, his farts always end up saving the day.

So I guess I'm kind of like Walter the Farting Dog. I might be inconsistent and distractable and punctually-challenged... but I'm also spontaneous and adaptable and creative and can think on my feet. I don't know that I could be some of those things without being the others.

Let us all think warm thoughts toward Ms. D, who is working hard to help the youths of today embrace the promise of tomorrow, using only some masking tape, a Smartboard, and her potent farts.

Recipe for Happiness: Harbor Style

1.Make plans to go visit a beloved friend.

2. Drive down in warm spring sunlight with the windows open and the music loud.

3.Once you arrive, flap your jaws for hours the way you only can with someone with whom you go way back.

4. Go out for sushi, drink some wine, continue to flap jaws.

5. Go back, keep flapping. Drink some more wine. Start listening to songs you love until it devolves into karaoke using spice bottles as microphones. Before you fall asleep, have her tell you a silly bedtime story.

Serve warm. Enjoy.